Seems an explanation is overdue.

So, I wasn't going to post anything about Oregon because frankly thinking any more about my decision and whether it's "right or wrong" is making me physically and mentally ill. However, those who are left in the dark are unaware of my decision, and for others I'm just exhausted from explaining myself 1000 times. This should help clear up all the confusion. I should warn you I'm going to be honest and frank (nothing new) and that if you're offended at all by what is said then I am sorry in advance.

I made the decision back in April to turn down the offer that UO made me. Certainly there was some question as to why I would make such a choice, but at the time I feel I had pretty good reasons. However, my hopes and alternative "options" quickly disappeared. Literally two days after emailing them to tell them I wasn't coming things started to look bad...really bad. Just to give you an idea here are some of the things that happened:

1. I sent the email on Friday night. On Monday I went to campus to change my graduate major to psychology. I was told by admission I could email the department and have my application forwarded to them and that the whole ordeal would be a smooth transaction. Silly me...I actually took admissions for their word. I'm pretty sure you only earn a BA by understanding that the entire admissions office is under qualified for the work they do AND that they're always wrong...ALWAYS. Obviously I failed that class. When I contacted the psychology department directly they told me that was not the case, all the while giving me a look like they thought I was retarded. I was told it was too late to transfer and that I'd have to reapply next year.

I didn't believe the lady in the office so I contacted the director of graduate studies in psychology directly. He confirmed that I could not enter the program and told me to reapply next year. He also warned me that the program would be highly competitive next year because of budget cuts. I asked if I was allowed to take undergraduate deficiencies with my graduate funding and he said no.

So, to summarize I wasn't going to be able to enter the MS in psychology until next year. And, I could not use my funding to make up my deficiencies. This means I would have had to spend $4500 out-of-pocket on making up deficiencies just so I could get into the program next year (hopefully) with aid (hopefully). None of any of that is a guarantee.

2. A couple of days after my decision a few things were said about the status of my job that made me realize that my work is not a guarantee either. I now know that most of what was said was not serious, but the thoughts that it conjured up have little to do with the reality of the situation. There was talk of letting me go in order for the family to buy a house, and then there was talk of the family looking into moving to Texas. Admittedly, neither of these statements had much power behind them, but they made me realize that my work, my life situation, my future is out of my hands and that my current outlook here can change in an instant. I had to ask myself why I was sticking around here for a job and family that can just as easily leave me stranded. I wasn't expecting to feel that way. For some reason I always assume that this life is stable, but it's not. Never has been and never will be. How would I feel if I turned down this opportunity only to be abandoned? I would feel like a complete moron and I would hate myself, and everyone around me, for it.

Besides my work there was also talk of Jason's job getting cut. There are too many shift leads at his work and his hours were threatened to be reduced by 40 hours a month. We can't afford that here. Jobs are scarce.

#3 Tuition hike at SJSU sent me into another tailspin. They approved a 10% increase in tuition and a decrease in grants (which is what I received). They are decreasing the grants that have already been awarded for next year AND increasing the tuition. Therefore, my next year at SJSU would have cost me $800 above and beyond the "full-ride" I was originally getting. Not that much money I suppose, but considering I wouldn't be studying what I want anyways it's kind of a huge waste.

#4 I realized that a big part of why I said no was because I didn't think I was worthy of such an offer. Deep down I think I will fail at this. Deep down I don't think I'm smart enough to be going into a PhD program. I'm not saying this so you'll all say, "yes you are." I KNOW that I am, but I don't think that I am...does that make any sense? On paper I'm very impressive, but in my head all the negativity holds me back from really pushing the bar and exploring new things. It's easier to say no and never fail then it is to fail trying.

I had several weeks to work through all this psychological bull crap and finally concluded that I was capable and ready for the challenge. Only problem was I had already turned it down. I decided I'd just tough it out. I'd start SJSU in the fall in the sociology MA program and then reapply to all the same DUMB schools that rejected me this year. Maybe I'd get in...maybe I'd get funding...maybe I wouldn't. I didn't want to go through all of that again. EVER.

Now, if I wasn't already questioning my decision, which I was, all of the above made me really reconsider what I had chosen. I was getting really depressed about not accepting and I was realizing that by saying no I had made the next few years very challenging and hard on myself and my family. Both Jason and I would have to work (almost full-time) and attend school full-time just to graduate/stay on track. Doing all of that in a world of uncertainty and limited funding/jobs/everything made me realize that maybe I had thrown away a really good thing. The voice in my head told me to pursue going to UO even though I had already turned it down and so that's what I decided to do.

So, I looked into "changing my mind." As it turns out the position was still available and they still wanted me to attend in the fall. I saw this as kind of a winning the lotto twice, or being struck by lighting twice in a lifetime type of scenario. I'm really lucky that the offer was still valid. I accepted.

This has not been easy for me, or my immediate family. I know I created what seems like a lot of drama, but this decision was the hardest one I've ever had to make in my life. I usually trust the voice in my head and it's always right, but this time it was giving me two conflicting messages.

Bottom line: I'm scared to say yes, and never underestimate the power of anxiety about change.

What can you do to help me? I'm full of doubt. My head is highly efficient at creating negativity. The last thing I need is people saying things like, "aren't you going to miss California?" or "you're going to miss those kids." I know this. EVERYDAY I think things like:

"Pretty soon I won't be able to play kickball with Josh" or
"If I miss the kids after a week of vacation how am I going to leave for 5 years?" or
"What it I hate it there?"

There's a lot of what ifs AND they go in both directions. Fact of the matter is this is a great opportunity. It's someone paying me to go to school for at least 4 years. For 4 years I don't have to do anything but study. This is seriously the life I've always wanted and up until now I was too scared to accept it.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to be successful and I'm going to struggle with this for a long time. It's going to be frustrating, depressing, anxiety provoking, and probably the hardest thing I'll ever do (both leaving the family and going into graduate school). But, I feel like I have the support of those around me. I'm going to be ok, and nothing is forever. I can always change my mind (certainly have in the past...OBVIOUSLY).

Hopefully this clears some things up.

Yes, I'm Insane.

As many of you already knew, I'm insane. This really should come as no surprise. Anyways, I rejected the offer made by University of Oregon for many reasons, none of which most of you will understand. But, regardless of anybody's ability to relate to my madness, it is my madness and my choice. I've always been unconventional, and people have never been ok with that.

Initially, when I thought I had been technically rejected by all six schools I applied to for sociology PhDs, I began thinking of other things I could do. I erroneously never made a "back up" plan because I ignorantly believed that I would be accepted to multiple schools and have to choose which one would be best for me. As you can imagine, not getting into any of them put my life into somewhat of a tailspin. Well, I began questioning my major, was it what I really wanted? Did I really want to spend 7 years of work to be an underpaid sociology professor? I mean, yes I'm passionate about it, but I have to get paid, you know? I'm passionate about selling Pier 1 candles too, but it doesn't pay the bills, get my drift?

When I got the email from UO I was immediately in shock. Intuition was to take it without a doubt, a real no-brainer, right? They were offering me a world that any sociologist would dream of having. Well, normally I would say yes, but after coming down off of a two day high of feeling really smart and accomplished, I realized I didn't really want it any more. I concluded that my new found options were more suiting for me, and what I want my future to look like didn't involve working in sociology.

I tried very hard to convince myself I had to go. I talked with my family, friends, my professors, UO's professors, their graduate students. Which, by the way, no one on that list told me I shouldn't go, not one. Granted, the graduate student didn't have a very positive outlook on the department, which said A LOT to me about what it would be like to go there (she's from the bay area and had a hard time adjusting to the "whiteness" and the small town feel, which were two of my biggest concerns). The big "ah-ha" moment was when, in talking to these people, I realized that this is the perfect opportunity to get my PhD in sociology. It's great, hands-down the most awesome opportunity, and I couldn't figure out why I didn't want it. Then I figured it out. I don't want a PhD in sociology. It hit me, like a Mack truck. I knew that was why I was questioning it, and then had to figure out how to tell all of those who have been supporting me over the last two years, that I suddenly didn't want what I thought I'd been working towards.

Some have accepted it, some are really happy for me, and some have not responded, oh well. Fact is, it's my life, my opportunity, and my decision. I view this as a completely positive experience, regardless of what others may think of my decision. It was necessary, necessary so that I could confront the offer and realize my true feelings. Imagine where I would be if I hadn't been given the offer? Still wondering if I could get in next year...what a waste of time that would have been. Glad I realized it now, and not next year, or two years after entering a program. I don't view the past two years as a waste, but instead a journey that got me to this very moment, a moment of new found hope, excitement, and passion...something I realized I haven't felt for a while about school or my future.

So, why the change? Some of you are aware that I'm interested in the social interactionism, i.e. social psychology aspects of sociology. Basically, I like studying how people create and live with identity, and how class and gender alters identity formation. Well, both sociology and psychology offer this area of specialization. Difference being that it's the red-headed step child of sociology and not of psychology. Sociologists (many of them) believe we should focus on the macro problems, that all problems are social and that only through studying groups can we come up with solutions to social problems. I however, do not agree with that. I see the value in macro, but also feel that a psychosocial approach is best, consider both the group and the individuals that comprise that group. If we don't understand how the mind works, we can't figure out group interactions. If we don't understand the job of the engine, we can't understand the car, ya know?

Anyways, having come from the macro and going into the micro (psych) I am fully prepared to take on the issues that I want to study, with the freedom to focus on individuals in graduate school. Starting this fall I am working on making up some deficiencies for my MS in psychology (which is also a free ride in grants), and plan on applying to psych PhD programs for next fall. Do I wish I would have realized this sooner? Hell yes. Did my best psych professor and mentor tell me last November that I would regret not applying to psych programs? Yes. Do I regret not listening to him? Yes. Is there anything I can do about it? No. Lesson learned. He was the first person (who understood my interests) to tell me that sociology was not where it was at, no sociologist was going to tell me that...well they did, but they just steered me in a macro direction.

I'm happy. My future is promising, and I'm honored that I was even given the opportunity. But, as the saying goes if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Or, don't try and cram a square peg into a round hole, or...well you get the picture. :) I'm excited to see where my future takes me, and I have faith the decision is right for me.

Dealing with Serious Rejection

Well, I've gotten three rejection letters from PhD programs. As it stands now I won't be going to PhD school in California. All three rejections were from UC schools. There are still three schools left, but at this rate I have no hope that any of them will accept me either. The only one I stand a chance at getting into is U of Oregon and I don't really want to go there. It's ok, I really don't view it as a completely negative thing. Instead I think it's a push in a different direction. Just another one of life's lessons that reminds you you have no real control over your future.

It's not that I could have done anything more to get in (other then have a MA). I did everything right, I was published, completed research, did an internship, graduated Summa Cum Laude (3.9 GPA), double majored, Honors Societies, etc., etc., etc. So, why didn't I get in? Well, my best guess is that going to California State hurt my chances. CSU may seem amazing to anyone outside the state of California, but here, where you have University of California schools to compete with, state isn't much of anything. Knowing that I did everything possible has certainly made me feel better about it.

I applied to the MA program at SJSU (my undergraduate school) and am mostly positive that I will get in there, but with the state budget cuts you never can tell these days. I'm also SERIOUSLY considering getting a MS instead of an MA by going into environmental science. I've always been interested in it and the way I see it is I have two options (well, I have more than that, but you get the point):

1. I get my MA (2 years), then apply to PhD schools where I most def will get in because of the MA. Then they make me re-take all of my theory and methods classes because they aren't up to par (oh the snobbery of PhD schools), which adds another year of study to my PhD program. Then, the PhD will take another 5 years or so to complete. Basically, I'm looking at another 8 years of college. What do I have when I'm done? A PhD in sociology and over $50,000 of debt. What will that get me? A job making 50,000 a year teaching college and writing. Now, yes, I love sociology, but I was making more than that as a store manager at Pier 1. I'm sure I would love my job, but by the time I graduated, got a job, and got tenure I would be ready to retire...uh...not much fun I don't think. The sociologist in me keeps reminding me that life isn't about the money, but when you're going 50K in debt to pay for your education you would expect a slightly higher return...ya know?

2. I get my MS in environmental science. It would take me about a year to make up for any undergraduate requirements I need to get into the MS program. Then, another 2 years to get the MS. After three years I would graduate with an MS. What will that get me? Roughly $12,000 in debt, but with the ability to make much more than 50,000 a year, have job security knowing that ES is going to be a very high demand field considering the current environmental issues, and I can get a job I love and possibly work outdoors and in nature most of the time. Not to mention, I could still opt for the academic life if I so wanted. Basically, the MS is a lot more flexible and requires a lot less schooling. It will be harder for me to complete because my undergraduate training was not focused on science (hard) at all. I don't know...the idea just hit me when going for a walk a couple of months ago. I feel sad that I may abandon my first love, but excited because I feel a passion about it that I used to (and continue to) feel about sociology.

In my opinion they are both equally tempting. What do you think?

PUZZLES!

Jason and I completed our first puzzle together! We've both done them in the past, but never together. It was a 1500 piece Springbok called Shoes, Shoes, Shoes! It took us a total of about 12 hours to complete, or two evenings. Talk about serious eye strain! It ended up taking up my sister's entire coffee table which is about 3 feet wide by 2.5 feet long. We really enjoyed it, so we went on eBay and bought up a bunch of used ones. Now, we just have to wait for them to start arriving in the mail.

eBay is not the most economical way to buy used puzzles because of the weight associated with shipping them. So, Jason and I are planning on checking out garage/estate sales to see if we can get them for cheaper. It's also hard to find used puzzles that people know are complete and not missing a piece. So many people on eBay sell them without ever having done them.

Well, my hobbies are certainly developing with all this free time. I've settled on puzzles, reading, blogging, walking, meditating, and cooking (which can unfortunately get rather expensive and wasteful). I think that's a fairly good list for someone who said two months ago to her doctor that the only hobbies she knows is work and school!

What's (not) on TV

I just completed season 1 of The Riches on DVD. The Riches was canceled after only two seasons on the FX network. It's a pretty great show, but there are definitely some pros and cons.

First of all, the show too closely resembles both Weeds (Showtime) and Big Love (HBO), both of which came out first. All three shows are dark comedies and all three story lines develop around an "abnormal" family trying to fit into suburbia. With Weeds it's a rich wife turned drug dealer after her husband dies. With Big Love it's a Mormon family with three wives trying to fit in without anyone knowing they're all married to each other. Finally, in The Riches it is a family of gypsies trying to act like everyone else. All three families try hard not to be found out and what keeps you watching is the constant threat to their family secret being unraveled.

Another con is that every episode starts with an intro, or a recap, that lasts about 2 minutes. It recaps everything that has happened since the beginning of the season. So, as you can imagine it gets longer with every episode. Also, I like Minnie Driver, but her fake southern accent gets under my skin quickly. A lot of the story line is highly predictable and mostly unbelievable, but then again sometimes that's what makes good television.

One of the pros is that Eddie Izzard is the main star. Not only is he extremely handsome, but his acting is quite good. He pretty much makes the show and if it weren't for him I probably would have stopped watching it after the first episode, which by the way was the worst of the season. He helped to write the series, and as a comedian I think he did a decent job of adding humor to the show.

I also have to give it credit for communicating realistic life lessons. There isn't always a happy ending, and not all the family lessons end with a hug and milk with cookies. The characters are honest and the show touches on controversial subjects without coming on too strong, but also without ignoring the issues completely. Oh, and it gets major props for using sociological terms and for bringing up the Protestant Ethic!

Overall, it's worth watching, but only because it's two seasons long. I have a feeling the catch and release style of the show would get old if it were to last much longer then that. I'm willing to give season 2 a try. With that said...I can't wait for the new Weeds and Big Love seasons to come out on DVD.

Short Fiction gives The Riches 3.5 stars.

Adventures with Jinx

On Saturday a package arrived at our apartment. Little did we know that Jinx was inside. He escaped the winter snow prison commonly referred to as Michigan and arrived wearing a sarong. He explained to us that he had escaped and was attempting to hitch a ride to the beach for a little sunbathing. I had a hard time explaining to Jinx that it was one of the rainiest days of the year (I highly doubted he really wanted to go to the beach on that day). With a little convincing he accepted my advice, but still refused to remove his sarong.

We invited him in and offered him a place to stay, at least until we can get him to the beach! After thoroughly examining him we concur that he is extremely well made by loving hands. He arrived in one piece after traveling by air via the United States Postal Service and obviously needed some rest after traveling over 2000 miles to get to us. I question why we are so lucky to have received Jinx, but I am excited just thinking about the places he will go, the things he will see, and the many people he will meet.

Welcome Jinx and stay tuned!

Week in Review

Ahhh, the end of another great week. Started out the week with a little bit of stress about Zeus (my cat) and his health. Seems as though his bloody nose was caused by dried blade cat nip. So, for those of you who use it, beware it causes nose bleeds. His second blood test came back fine so he is back to normal.

It rained almost all week, which is a real treat for me. Normally it's so dry here and we're only at 60% of the necessary rain so we needed it. It makes walking the dog a little tiresome, but the sound and smell of rain puts my mind at ease.

I spent a lot of time this week cooking. I made brownies, profiteroles, and salmon from foodnetwork. I also made cupcakes for Valentine's Day, but made those with a box mix and canned frosting. Everything turned out amazing...well except for the salmon. I added cinnamon to the brownies which gave it a nice kick. The cupcakes were pink with red coconut (I used food coloring to make it red). Best of all, the profiteroles were so good (see picture). I posted the recipes below if anyone is interested:

Profiteroles
Brownies

Valentine's Day was really nice. Jason and I had the profiteroles for breakfast. We each made homemade cards, which were both personal and creative. We went to a late lunch together and then both worked for the rest of the evening. Not your traditional Vday, but we had fun nonetheless.

Best of all, I created this blog site. It's something I've wanted to do for several years now, but haven't got around to it. Not that I have that much important stuff to say, but I think I tend to write narratives that are both personal and sometimes captivating. I divulge a lot of myself in my blogs and I think my ability to get personal will allow readers to connect with me, my dreams, my life, and my experiences. I will also do book/movie reviews, recipe sharing, and other fun stuff to keep it entertaining, educational, and not too self-absorbed. Hopefully I'll pick up some regular visitors, but if not this will still be a good way for me to practice my writing and express myself. Now all I need to do is start my from home baking business and I'll be all set!

Here's to another great week!