Seems an explanation is overdue.

So, I wasn't going to post anything about Oregon because frankly thinking any more about my decision and whether it's "right or wrong" is making me physically and mentally ill. However, those who are left in the dark are unaware of my decision, and for others I'm just exhausted from explaining myself 1000 times. This should help clear up all the confusion. I should warn you I'm going to be honest and frank (nothing new) and that if you're offended at all by what is said then I am sorry in advance.

I made the decision back in April to turn down the offer that UO made me. Certainly there was some question as to why I would make such a choice, but at the time I feel I had pretty good reasons. However, my hopes and alternative "options" quickly disappeared. Literally two days after emailing them to tell them I wasn't coming things started to look bad...really bad. Just to give you an idea here are some of the things that happened:

1. I sent the email on Friday night. On Monday I went to campus to change my graduate major to psychology. I was told by admission I could email the department and have my application forwarded to them and that the whole ordeal would be a smooth transaction. Silly me...I actually took admissions for their word. I'm pretty sure you only earn a BA by understanding that the entire admissions office is under qualified for the work they do AND that they're always wrong...ALWAYS. Obviously I failed that class. When I contacted the psychology department directly they told me that was not the case, all the while giving me a look like they thought I was retarded. I was told it was too late to transfer and that I'd have to reapply next year.

I didn't believe the lady in the office so I contacted the director of graduate studies in psychology directly. He confirmed that I could not enter the program and told me to reapply next year. He also warned me that the program would be highly competitive next year because of budget cuts. I asked if I was allowed to take undergraduate deficiencies with my graduate funding and he said no.

So, to summarize I wasn't going to be able to enter the MS in psychology until next year. And, I could not use my funding to make up my deficiencies. This means I would have had to spend $4500 out-of-pocket on making up deficiencies just so I could get into the program next year (hopefully) with aid (hopefully). None of any of that is a guarantee.

2. A couple of days after my decision a few things were said about the status of my job that made me realize that my work is not a guarantee either. I now know that most of what was said was not serious, but the thoughts that it conjured up have little to do with the reality of the situation. There was talk of letting me go in order for the family to buy a house, and then there was talk of the family looking into moving to Texas. Admittedly, neither of these statements had much power behind them, but they made me realize that my work, my life situation, my future is out of my hands and that my current outlook here can change in an instant. I had to ask myself why I was sticking around here for a job and family that can just as easily leave me stranded. I wasn't expecting to feel that way. For some reason I always assume that this life is stable, but it's not. Never has been and never will be. How would I feel if I turned down this opportunity only to be abandoned? I would feel like a complete moron and I would hate myself, and everyone around me, for it.

Besides my work there was also talk of Jason's job getting cut. There are too many shift leads at his work and his hours were threatened to be reduced by 40 hours a month. We can't afford that here. Jobs are scarce.

#3 Tuition hike at SJSU sent me into another tailspin. They approved a 10% increase in tuition and a decrease in grants (which is what I received). They are decreasing the grants that have already been awarded for next year AND increasing the tuition. Therefore, my next year at SJSU would have cost me $800 above and beyond the "full-ride" I was originally getting. Not that much money I suppose, but considering I wouldn't be studying what I want anyways it's kind of a huge waste.

#4 I realized that a big part of why I said no was because I didn't think I was worthy of such an offer. Deep down I think I will fail at this. Deep down I don't think I'm smart enough to be going into a PhD program. I'm not saying this so you'll all say, "yes you are." I KNOW that I am, but I don't think that I am...does that make any sense? On paper I'm very impressive, but in my head all the negativity holds me back from really pushing the bar and exploring new things. It's easier to say no and never fail then it is to fail trying.

I had several weeks to work through all this psychological bull crap and finally concluded that I was capable and ready for the challenge. Only problem was I had already turned it down. I decided I'd just tough it out. I'd start SJSU in the fall in the sociology MA program and then reapply to all the same DUMB schools that rejected me this year. Maybe I'd get in...maybe I'd get funding...maybe I wouldn't. I didn't want to go through all of that again. EVER.

Now, if I wasn't already questioning my decision, which I was, all of the above made me really reconsider what I had chosen. I was getting really depressed about not accepting and I was realizing that by saying no I had made the next few years very challenging and hard on myself and my family. Both Jason and I would have to work (almost full-time) and attend school full-time just to graduate/stay on track. Doing all of that in a world of uncertainty and limited funding/jobs/everything made me realize that maybe I had thrown away a really good thing. The voice in my head told me to pursue going to UO even though I had already turned it down and so that's what I decided to do.

So, I looked into "changing my mind." As it turns out the position was still available and they still wanted me to attend in the fall. I saw this as kind of a winning the lotto twice, or being struck by lighting twice in a lifetime type of scenario. I'm really lucky that the offer was still valid. I accepted.

This has not been easy for me, or my immediate family. I know I created what seems like a lot of drama, but this decision was the hardest one I've ever had to make in my life. I usually trust the voice in my head and it's always right, but this time it was giving me two conflicting messages.

Bottom line: I'm scared to say yes, and never underestimate the power of anxiety about change.

What can you do to help me? I'm full of doubt. My head is highly efficient at creating negativity. The last thing I need is people saying things like, "aren't you going to miss California?" or "you're going to miss those kids." I know this. EVERYDAY I think things like:

"Pretty soon I won't be able to play kickball with Josh" or
"If I miss the kids after a week of vacation how am I going to leave for 5 years?" or
"What it I hate it there?"

There's a lot of what ifs AND they go in both directions. Fact of the matter is this is a great opportunity. It's someone paying me to go to school for at least 4 years. For 4 years I don't have to do anything but study. This is seriously the life I've always wanted and up until now I was too scared to accept it.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to be successful and I'm going to struggle with this for a long time. It's going to be frustrating, depressing, anxiety provoking, and probably the hardest thing I'll ever do (both leaving the family and going into graduate school). But, I feel like I have the support of those around me. I'm going to be ok, and nothing is forever. I can always change my mind (certainly have in the past...OBVIOUSLY).

Hopefully this clears some things up.