Yes, I'm Insane.

As many of you already knew, I'm insane. This really should come as no surprise. Anyways, I rejected the offer made by University of Oregon for many reasons, none of which most of you will understand. But, regardless of anybody's ability to relate to my madness, it is my madness and my choice. I've always been unconventional, and people have never been ok with that.

Initially, when I thought I had been technically rejected by all six schools I applied to for sociology PhDs, I began thinking of other things I could do. I erroneously never made a "back up" plan because I ignorantly believed that I would be accepted to multiple schools and have to choose which one would be best for me. As you can imagine, not getting into any of them put my life into somewhat of a tailspin. Well, I began questioning my major, was it what I really wanted? Did I really want to spend 7 years of work to be an underpaid sociology professor? I mean, yes I'm passionate about it, but I have to get paid, you know? I'm passionate about selling Pier 1 candles too, but it doesn't pay the bills, get my drift?

When I got the email from UO I was immediately in shock. Intuition was to take it without a doubt, a real no-brainer, right? They were offering me a world that any sociologist would dream of having. Well, normally I would say yes, but after coming down off of a two day high of feeling really smart and accomplished, I realized I didn't really want it any more. I concluded that my new found options were more suiting for me, and what I want my future to look like didn't involve working in sociology.

I tried very hard to convince myself I had to go. I talked with my family, friends, my professors, UO's professors, their graduate students. Which, by the way, no one on that list told me I shouldn't go, not one. Granted, the graduate student didn't have a very positive outlook on the department, which said A LOT to me about what it would be like to go there (she's from the bay area and had a hard time adjusting to the "whiteness" and the small town feel, which were two of my biggest concerns). The big "ah-ha" moment was when, in talking to these people, I realized that this is the perfect opportunity to get my PhD in sociology. It's great, hands-down the most awesome opportunity, and I couldn't figure out why I didn't want it. Then I figured it out. I don't want a PhD in sociology. It hit me, like a Mack truck. I knew that was why I was questioning it, and then had to figure out how to tell all of those who have been supporting me over the last two years, that I suddenly didn't want what I thought I'd been working towards.

Some have accepted it, some are really happy for me, and some have not responded, oh well. Fact is, it's my life, my opportunity, and my decision. I view this as a completely positive experience, regardless of what others may think of my decision. It was necessary, necessary so that I could confront the offer and realize my true feelings. Imagine where I would be if I hadn't been given the offer? Still wondering if I could get in next year...what a waste of time that would have been. Glad I realized it now, and not next year, or two years after entering a program. I don't view the past two years as a waste, but instead a journey that got me to this very moment, a moment of new found hope, excitement, and passion...something I realized I haven't felt for a while about school or my future.

So, why the change? Some of you are aware that I'm interested in the social interactionism, i.e. social psychology aspects of sociology. Basically, I like studying how people create and live with identity, and how class and gender alters identity formation. Well, both sociology and psychology offer this area of specialization. Difference being that it's the red-headed step child of sociology and not of psychology. Sociologists (many of them) believe we should focus on the macro problems, that all problems are social and that only through studying groups can we come up with solutions to social problems. I however, do not agree with that. I see the value in macro, but also feel that a psychosocial approach is best, consider both the group and the individuals that comprise that group. If we don't understand how the mind works, we can't figure out group interactions. If we don't understand the job of the engine, we can't understand the car, ya know?

Anyways, having come from the macro and going into the micro (psych) I am fully prepared to take on the issues that I want to study, with the freedom to focus on individuals in graduate school. Starting this fall I am working on making up some deficiencies for my MS in psychology (which is also a free ride in grants), and plan on applying to psych PhD programs for next fall. Do I wish I would have realized this sooner? Hell yes. Did my best psych professor and mentor tell me last November that I would regret not applying to psych programs? Yes. Do I regret not listening to him? Yes. Is there anything I can do about it? No. Lesson learned. He was the first person (who understood my interests) to tell me that sociology was not where it was at, no sociologist was going to tell me that...well they did, but they just steered me in a macro direction.

I'm happy. My future is promising, and I'm honored that I was even given the opportunity. But, as the saying goes if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Or, don't try and cram a square peg into a round hole, or...well you get the picture. :) I'm excited to see where my future takes me, and I have faith the decision is right for me.